April 20, 2008 (A letter to myself):
I've given this a lot of thought and watched quite a bit of history with this group. I've had things shared with me - some that is public and some that may never be made public. This too has helped with this decision. No, no one pressured me into anything. I feel it is in my best interests to get back to basics - which was being part of a site created with a sole interest to explore various creative endeavors of the marriage between radio and computer or other creative related endeavors. That is, my original site JimandLeah.Com. It was devoid of personalities obviously (other than myself) and therefore politics, attacks, direct influences (good and bad), which allowed me to explore and express without the need to worry about pleasing or offending others based on the fickleness of their own loyalties (which seems to change with the wind or their last fart).
If somehow, someone is deriving some sense of importance from associations or hierarchy as relating to ham radio (it's a hobby!) - then obviously they have something missing in the old internal department. If associations somehow motivate you to be a better human being or hell, write you a paycheck - I could see it. Otherwise, that stuff is far too adolescent for me on an ongoing basis except if maybe I have a dozen beers and feel like masturbating my ego and winding up the most aberrant parts of my unconscious. Mind you, I'm human and like to occasionally engage in that, but my psyche (and my body) can only sustain that 2 or 3 weeks out of the year. Far too little to play in a major role in a theater of the absurd if I desired it in the first place. The themes of either you are "with us or against us" rubs completely against my constitution. The themes of constant attack and/or obsession also runs counter.
I realize by the recent site I created (hamstreams.com) - it became somewhat of another conduit for expressing the very bullshit of any other site based on personalities....worse in some ways. I combined what seems to now be a multi-forum of hate that probably helps feed more hate vicarously in private little conversations, chats, PM's, etc. What the hell was I thinking? What I was thinking was I could try to bridge a path between the various facets of personalities (hence my theme of Saints and Assholes). I thought maybe I could combine something into an area of provoking rants, disagreements, agreements, stated positions, defense of positions, expression of differences, commonalities, and hence introspection visually, auditorally, and verbally due to the openess and concept of the site. What I didn't realize was I was trying to do it with an invitation to a large percentage of people who think in black and white redneck realities. What an idealistic joke. I must have been out of my mind. I now realize they are all doomed (in a philosophical sense) unless you can somehow inject a large percentage that categorically reject that thinking AND have loose and non-need associations with each other. It works, because I run another one with 100 times the people here and I've ran it for years. As I see it, it ain't happening w/ this crowd. These sites (if they are interactive in any way and with the make up of personalities) - eventually degrade to the lowest common denominator of attacks or else they become a milk toast place of sycophants and alpha males looking for validation of shallowness and abnormalities. It's completely predictable. If I ever go for my Doctorate in Psychology, I swear to God I'm going to do my thesis on this.
So here it is as I see it - I don't want to be placed in either of these categories with direct associations and hence the accompanying pressure of a group mentality. It's a pathetic road when you view it objectively and unfortunately I haven't always done that. I catch myself at times feeling the pull of useless importance. I don't want to be pigeon holed...therefore allowing me to talk to anyone and be part of no one. I realize this will cause some people not to want to talk to me who fit the descriptions above.
Therefore I am deleting HamStreams.Com. It will simply forward to my original site in a few days.
I have asked Greg W6EZV to remove my cam spot from his site. I have asked Scotty K7MIX to remove my spot and image on elitehams. Now what about Paul's site? Paul's ham cam site is actually a "static" site and basically low on interactivity. In addition, the base is now diverse enough to dilute the major parts of aberration (see above). At one time, I did request to be pulled based on a theme that was going on that I considered embarrassing on a whole, but I didn't want to hurt feelings and come right out and say it. I actually currently consider Paul's site quite good based on his evolving approach (and thankfully the evolving approach of pics) so it doesn't feel stifling to belong there. Hopefully he will avoid the pitfalls but it requires autonomy and being counter-intuitive.
This isn't an attempt at burning bridges, but an attempt not to see them all burned eventually. So having said all of this, I realize many of you don't give a damn, and now I don't have to give a damn whether you do or not. Talk to you on the radio and if not.....wavin the bird at ya.